What would happen if the loaded cast of the original Predator were to get back together today, knowing what they know? In what direction would the all-star, power-packed cast lead a sequel if it hadn't been handed to Danny Glover, Gary Busey, and Bill Paxton? How would they govern the downfall of the wicked-mouthed alien/reptile thing if it hadn't been spun off into a weird nostalgia-grab/FX orgy co-starring those scoop-headed Aliens?
Arnold: As the governor of America's most populous state, I hearby declare dat in Predata 2010 zere vil be seven times the asplosions and ve will hunt down seven of dose ugly motherfuckers! Ve vill flip da script of the original. I wanted to vork only with my team in zat one- in dis one we will have teams from all over ze world. A team from Mexico to cut off all ze tree branches so when he wears dat invisible suit it won't be zo trippy to see! A team of da Japs who vil be well educated by a state education system dat is bleeding money like za stuck goats in Austria!
Carl: This is going to run way over budget. I learned some nifty tricks for saving money playing the role of Carl Weathers on TV's Arrested Development. Here's what you do: you have the same actors play the Japs and the Mexicans. Just cover them in mud so the Predator can't see em, and the audience won't be able to tell!
Jesse: YOU ARE ALL CRAZY! WE SHOULD JUST MAKE THIS ONE BIG INDEPENDENT GUN SHOW! I DON'T NEED YOU GUYS! RUNNING AROUND WITH YOUS JUST MAKES ME EASIER TO KILL! I WANT MY CHARACTER TO HAVE HIS OWN TENT. AND TWO BIGASS GUNS!
Sonny Landham: Hey guys, remember me? I'm the one that looked like an Indian in the movie. I think we should team up with the predator instead!
Jesse: I EXERCISE MY WELL-PRACTICED POWER OF VETO ON THAT IDEA!
Sonny: No, hear me out, we should team up with them. Just think how great their 3-dot tracker missiles would be in the Middle East? We could blow up all those ragheads! And it would be perfect if we could get those invisibility suits over there! They'd never see us coming because its all so flat and boring and inhabited by stupid ragheads who deserve to die!
Carl: I can get behind this less than I can get behind cut-off jean shorts.
Arnold: Cahl, I'm not really clear why youh hea. You have no politica clouut!
Jesse: BACK OFF CARL MAN, EVERYONE DESERVES THEIR SAY! EVEN THE GAYS! CARL YOU'RE GAY RIGHT? YOU WERE SUCH A NATURAL WITH TOBIAS. I WOULDN'T HAVE MINDED SERVING NEXT TO GAYS WHEN I WAS IN THE NAVY. WOULD HAVE BEEN LESS COMPETITION WHEN WE WERE IN PORT! HA!
Carl: I ain't gay Jesse. I'm just a faded shell of a man who used to be an impressive physical figure!
Arnold: But not as impressive as me, Cahl, remember how I almos toah your arm ov in the openin scene of ouah classic Predatoah?
Carl: Yes of course I remember that scene, Arnold. That's what brought us together here today. That was acting, Arnold.
Arnold: You want to go pretty boay? I will unleash the deficit of hell on your ass in an ahm wrestaling remash!
Sonny: Can we decide on exterminating the ragheads or what? We need to decide this now before it gets brought to the Kentucky Family Court. Those fools don't like me.
Jesse: WHY DON'T THEY LIKE YOU SONNY? YOU'RE SUCH AN ARTICULATE FORMER PORNOGRAPHER.
Sonny: I tried to shut them down.
Arnold: You guise I dink ve're getting pretty far off da topic here. Can we agree on making da film much much bigger and moa espensive? We can let someone from ebay clean up da mess. They ah real good at the money.
Jesse: I THINK THIS PROJECT WILL BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS THE MINNESOTA LIGHT RAIL TRANSIT SYSTEM. I'M DOWN WITH A NEW, LARGER PREDATOR. BUT I WANT A BIGASS GUN.
Arnold: Cahl?
Carl: I'm Carl Weathers.
Ah, social commentary has bled into the Summer of Action blog.
ReplyDeleteUsually I'd leave that kind of business to JAY!! but in this case it was kind of inevitable. It's not my fault they all became governors (and the late Carl Weathers).
ReplyDelete