“I’ll Be Velvet Mouthed On Your Shank of Love”

A conventional wisdom of the people of the United States of America is that action stars are born, not made. They believe the likes of Bruce Willis and Sylvester Stallone came out of the birth canal with a headband already tied around their head and a chip already planted firmly on their shoulder. Their state of affluence was sitting there next to the curl bar just waiting for them to claim. To which I say, “Hark!” This is America. No one rides for free. Van Damme, Lundren, Statham—all God-fearing Americans—had to start out on the bottom rung and pick themselves up by their bootstraps while doing a chin up to get to where they are today.

Arnold Schwarzenegger started out his storied Hollywood career in a feature called, Son of Hercules. The previously mentioned Jean-Claude Van Damme has an uncredited but crucial moment in the critically acclaimed prequel to the groundbreaking film, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, titled Breakin’. Heck, even Ronald Reagan started out as a humble B-movie actor before becoming an action hero.

Sylvester Stallone is no different. Broke and homeless, the Man That Would Be Cliffhanger took a gig that paid $200 (US) for two days work (ET). The final product was, The Party at Kitty and Stud’s. And it was the start of Stallone’s storied career.





Long, long ago, a rumor floated around Hollywood that Sylvester Stallone started his career in a soft-core porno. Never able to find anything more than a blurry screenshot here and there that proved the existence of Bigfoot more than Stallone in a snuff film, I gave up the quest to find this celluloid relic, chalking it up as nothing but an urban legend. When I was propositioned to turn tricks for the Summer of Action blog you are currently reading. I immediately begat my search again with a renewed enthusiasm and drive, eschewing real work that needed to get done for a fly-by-night flight of fancy.

My journey led me to Cinefile, a little nook of a video store on Santa Monica Blvd. in Los Angeles. You might feel a little dirty walking through the front doors. Cinefile is like a porn store for movie geeks, and a porn store for porn addicts. Movies are filed under headings to the likes of Bergman, Fellini, and Sasha Gray. A few rows down from Förn Porn (what Cinefile calls European porn. I call them French films) is where I found Italian Stallion, the Christian name given to The Party at Kitty and Stud’s after the release of Rocky. Little did I know the journey of finding the movie was only the beginning of the journey that would lead me on a journey to the heart of the journey.

Sylvester Stallone plays Stud, a sexual conquistador out to claim as much hairy vagina as he can. In his warpath is Kitty, played by the always excellent Henrietta Holm, who has a bush like a hedge maze. Several times throughout the film the camera operator gets lost in that overgrowth. Kitty is waiting for Stallone to get home so she can “Give [her] all [his] juice.” Stud is building tension by taking a detour to the nearby park where he rolls around in the snow, swings on a swing, and climbs a jungle gym (conflict!).



After a quick shower, Kitty and Stud get at it, although “at it” looks a little more like resuscitating a drowning victim than intercourse. And now no one can say I haven’t seen Sylvester Stallone's dinger and ball sack (I bet he calls it his Sly Sac—because his nickname is Sly, and those are his balls).

Pillow talk takes the form of Stallone doing Tai Chi in a mirror while he imagines two exploited women wriggling on a bed together very unsexually for about eight minutes (foreshadowing!). Oh, and there is a dog there! Oh, and there is a fuzzy tiger poster on the wall! Oh, and nothing thus far has been sexually arousing. To anyone. Ever.

After balancing his center, Stud decides to walk to a poker game. On his way out, he posts a notice for a party at Kitty and Stud’s. The same one the movie is based on! Keep this tidbit in mind. It’s vital info for the thirdish act of the film.

While Stud is away, the Kitty will play. Not really. Instead, she meditates. The lotus position gets her hot, so she dances around a coffee table. Do you have an erection yet?

Kitty’s telepathy informs us Stud will be home soon, so she gets things ready to get him in the mood, like setting out a bowl of fruit and opening an entertainment center filled with the better part of the Encyclopedia Britannica. She rolls a joint, because it’s the seventies, and because Stud believes it completes a woman. That Stud—so wise and worldly.

Stud comes home in a fowl mood. Kitty’s inner monologue gets the impression the poker game didn’t go so well. Her inkling is affirmed when an enraged Stud, puts his hand through a window. In what I wish I could call one of the weirder scenes in the movie, Kitty starts sucking the blood off his hand, wishing she would be sucking his cock instead. Which she could be doing. Nothing is stopping her. But Kitty waits until she finishes licking the A1 Steak Sauce off Stud’s hand like a Labrador.

When licking doesn’t get the job done, the two retire to the bathroom where gauze and A+D ointment are applied. When Kitty does get around to going down on Stud, she bites him. After she promised Stud she wouldn’t! Stud does the virtuous thing and throws Kitty on the bed and beats her mercilessly with a belt. This goes on for an uncomfortable amount of time. Usually I can only beat a woman for a minute before I get tired and move on to other things, like needlepoint. After minute three of Stud whipping Kitty with the belt, I gained a newfound respect for Stallone’s endurance. By minute four, his indomitable spirit.

In the second half of the movie, the party at Kitty and Stud’s, which also serves as the third act, features a black girl that dances her pants off. LITERALLY! I call her Black Forest Delight, as her bush is so mighty the neighbor kid probably lost a Frisbee in there one Labor Day weekend. My interpretation of this scene is that the girl thought if she danced and got naked, everyone else would do the same. When no one else did, she decided to just keep going because stopping would be a little more awkward than just seeing it through to the end. And she does. After that, she sits on a couch, breaks the fourth wall, and tells the audience, “I thought this was supposed to be an art movie.” It’s equal parts sad and sad. The poor girl is clearly reaching out for help, and there is nothing I or anyone else can do to save her. Then BFD gets mauled by another woman that just starts yelling, “I want head! Give me head!” She’s met with some resistance at first, but rape takes a lot out of a woman, and BFD eventually concedes, slipping in and out of consciousness, imagining spending long lost summer days baking chocolate chip cookies with Grandma.

The conclusion comes when the gang decides to play a game of Shag Carpet Twister. It’s played the same as real Twister, just less sexual. A feat to behold, as Twister is, in its genetics, overtly sexual. Everyone rolls around on the floor, doing more wriggling than simulated penetration.

After some unnecessary zoom-ins on a plethora of panty hamsters, Stud, I shit you not, gets confused and humps the shag carpeting while the orgy happens on top of him. I take that back. It’s less of an orgy and more of a fuck the space between my dick and your vagina-gy.

The gang does a weird séance dance that leads to the group dropping to the floor and lying docile. Did I just witness a massive cult suicide? Did they not get sponsorship from Nike? Suddenly, Kitty and Stud stand up.

Kitty exclaims, “Wake up,” and then slaps Stud in the face. Bitch is about to get her lip busted open.

That’s it. That’s Stallone’s first foray into film. As a soft-core porno, this film leaves a lot to be desired. Like sexual arousal. As an action movie, it’s loaded with violence and suggestive themes. I give it eleven action erections up!