Hell, the Viceroy told me this was gonna be an art movie

The subheading of this blog, "Men across the nation search for greatness in action films" was penned as a sweeping and dramatic nod to the fact that the contributors are far flung. More realistically it should say "Men in the central time zone plus two in the western part of L.A. get giddy about shitty movies". This would more accurately reflect the identities of the participants (until we acquire a friend in the east) as well as the purpose of the quest.

So, anyway, I'm not sure where Sean lies his head after drinking a cube of delicious Old Mil Light, but the Viceroy and I may be the most closely located pair of contributors to this blog. This offered me the opportunity to snag "Italian Stallion" from him this morning before it need be returned to Cinefile. I won't belabor many points, as he covered it all quite nicely just a couple days ago, and the movie hasn't changed aside from perhaps being more grainy and poorly lit than it was when he put it on the spin cycle in his video-playing machine. In the interest of full disclosure of my habits, and further discussion of a momentous piece of film, however, I record here some supplementary thoughts.

* I would update "panty hamster" to "panty chinchilla". That, or those are some very ferocious hamsters.


* For soft porn, there sure were a lot of donkey noises in this movie. Most notably when Kitty & Stud are having vicious "sex" after she bites him while giving him head. I'm going to have to spend the next few days and maybe go on a spirit walk to figure out what that was all about. Cancel my 4th of July plans.

* In addition to rolling Stud a joint, it appears as though Kitty may have been peeling him some Kraft Singles. No one can say she's inconsiderate of his dietary needs in addition to his sexual desires, that's for sure. Unless he's lactose intolerant, in which case the cheese is not a very kind move.

* The Viceroy kind of omitted to mention the dynamics of the party: the peter-pan haircut lady and her fella leave the goings on in the main room for quite a while to make their sex in Kitty & Stud's bed. This led to a very dramatic moment for me when they reappeared and joined the writhing, as I figured they were too square to get properly involved in the party. We later learn that the guy likes watching girls pee, so the square turns out to be a freak! Who knew.

* It seems as though a major directorial cue was "If you don't know what to do but want to look hot, just roll around with each other for a while. Yeah, like that. Now show me some butt so I can get seven solid minutes of crack into the movie."

* The magnitude of the closing dance scene cannot be understated. It brings up a few points:

• The dance starts with one woman, then two, then three women, doing a strange line-dance gyration thing while the remaining orgyasts writhe in front of them. By inference, this means that in addition to ending communism, Sly has "done a three way the wrong way". Beat that, Reagan! Or, um, don't. Please, don't. Ugh.
• The lead actress clearly got her gig for no reason other than her generous bosoms. There was not one point where she was looking the least bit sensuous.
• Here's a way to save on film costs: reuse footage!
• Here's another way: every time a cock comes into frame as you're panning around the circle of gyrating vaginae, increase the pan speed!
• 'Ring around the rosy' can be as erotic as it is entertaining. Which is to say, for the amount that children and orgy participants do it, bizarrely not at all.

I implore you to watch this film and then read the Viceroy's recap. His piece is of very high quality and stands alone nicely, but pairing the commentary with actually watching the film is nothing short of sublime. My thanks to the Viceroy for blessing me with the opportunity to be enlightened.