Let’s be frank, the first Universal Soldier movie is one of the greatest movies of all time. It ranks with the Godfather 3s and the Star Wars Episode 1s of the world. I mean, a guy makes a necklace out of ears. Honest to goodness: human ears! That’s great. I know that guy is bad. I know he is bad because of the necklace of human ears he made and wore.
Let’s be henry, the second Universal Soldier movie is one of the worst movies of all time. It ranks with Shakespeare in Love and Slumdog Millionaire. I mean, the bad guy is bad just because. I don’t know why. Also, the bad guy is really a computer. He’s a computer because it’s the nineties. We were all so scared of computers back then. We thought they’d eventually get smart and take over the world. Little did we know computers wouldn’t get smarter. They’d become a place where people post videos of themselves dancing to pop songs and making fart noises.
Showing posts with label Ear Necklaces. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ear Necklaces. Show all posts
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Universal Soldiering is an Imperfect Science
Soldier on soldier!
Inspired by Sean's near nude picture of Jean Claude, and inspired by Dolph Lundgren's gripping performance in Rocky IV, and inspired by my love for ear necklaces, and inspired by everything awesome that ever existed, I decided to Netflix (is that officially a verb now?) Universal Soldier. I used to love this movie. According to wikipedia, it is a trilogy now. This excites me a great deal. They are also making a FOURTH Universal Soldier starring the original leads and set in a "more modern setting" than, um, the early 90's? The first Universal Soldier was not a period action piece. It was awesome though.
Here's pretty much what happened:
The movie starts with Jean Claude standing in a rain-soaked Vietnam. That war had so much rain. Then, Jean Claude tells everyone to leave. Except they can't leave because they are all dead. Dolph Lundgren killed them. He then cut off their ears and made a necklace out of them. His ear fetish was not explained. Nor was his hysteria. We just needed to know he thought everyone was a traitor, and that he was CRAZY. His craziness was accentuated when he shot two innocent Vietnamese people. Similarly, Jean Claude was not crazy because he wanted the Vietnamese people to live. Unfortunately both Jean Claude and Dolph killed each other three minutes into the movie.
WHAT!?!?! The leads can't die.
Inspired by Sean's near nude picture of Jean Claude, and inspired by Dolph Lundgren's gripping performance in Rocky IV, and inspired by my love for ear necklaces, and inspired by everything awesome that ever existed, I decided to Netflix (is that officially a verb now?) Universal Soldier. I used to love this movie. According to wikipedia, it is a trilogy now. This excites me a great deal. They are also making a FOURTH Universal Soldier starring the original leads and set in a "more modern setting" than, um, the early 90's? The first Universal Soldier was not a period action piece. It was awesome though.
Here's pretty much what happened:
The movie starts with Jean Claude standing in a rain-soaked Vietnam. That war had so much rain. Then, Jean Claude tells everyone to leave. Except they can't leave because they are all dead. Dolph Lundgren killed them. He then cut off their ears and made a necklace out of them. His ear fetish was not explained. Nor was his hysteria. We just needed to know he thought everyone was a traitor, and that he was CRAZY. His craziness was accentuated when he shot two innocent Vietnamese people. Similarly, Jean Claude was not crazy because he wanted the Vietnamese people to live. Unfortunately both Jean Claude and Dolph killed each other three minutes into the movie.
WHAT!?!?! The leads can't die.
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