Let’s be henry, the second Universal Soldier movie is one of the worst movies of all time. It ranks with Shakespeare in Love and Slumdog Millionaire. I mean, the bad guy is bad just because. I don’t know why. Also, the bad guy is really a computer. He’s a computer because it’s the nineties. We were all so scared of computers back then. We thought they’d eventually get smart and take over the world. Little did we know computers wouldn’t get smarter. They’d become a place where people post videos of themselves dancing to pop songs and making fart noises.
So much was bad:
Jean Claude Van Damme’s character, who got shot like a billion times in Vietnam and died and was brought back to life as one of the original Universal Soldiers in the first movie, is still alive and is now normal for some reason. They never tell us why. They simply mention he is now normal when someone asks Jean Claude, “So you are normal now?” and he answers, “Yes.” Evidently he is just a human now and no longer needs the serums or the recharging the soldiers needed (spoiler: the universal soldiers (called Unisols in this movie) need serums and recharging). After the first movie, Jean Claude did what all good zombies do: he got married and had a baby (to be clear, his wife had the baby). He had a baby because the movie needed a plot device for the bad guy to kidnap so Jean Claude would have a reason to fight the bad guy because SAVING THE WORLD FROM A DEMON COMPUTER MAN IS NOT REASON ENOUGH I GUESS.
I think the mother of the daughter is supposed to be the love interest/reporter from the first movie, but we don’t know this. We just know that the mother is dead. They brought it up at one point. It seemed like they were going to make it a plot point. Like maybe a Unisol killed her? Nope. She’s just dead which means it’s okay for Jean Claude to start kissing and humping another sassy reporter that happens to be on the scene of the big time military fubar. It’s so stereotypical: Unisols always fall for the tough military chicks.
There is an Asian woman with large breasts who is the Aunt of the daughter. She cannot act. I think she was cast simply because her breasts were big enough to show in a bra seven minutes into the movie. She eventually dies and becomes a Unisol, but she doesn’t get brainwashed and eventually kills Goldberg. Goldberg is in this movie. The wrestler Goldberg. The guy who even pro wrestling people wouldn’t let talk because he is so bad at talking. He talks in this movie. He keeps saying, “I don’t like that guy.” It’s supposed to be funny, but Goldberg sucks too bad at everything to be funny.
They needed a computer guy. He is obviously corrupt. He wants computers to rule everything because he just doesn’t relate to people. He’s so different. He obviously lives in what appears to be his parent’s basement (it isn’t: it is a giant warehouse). He eats Pop Rocks mixed with Diet Coke like cereal because he’s into computers, and he’s nothing like the rest of us. He has purple hair. His name is Squid. Here’s a picture:
They fight in a strip club in this movie. This acts as both an apology for the lack of boobs in the first movie and an apology for the lack of everything else good in this movie. Everyone just sort of starts punching everyone. I didn’t know who was good and who was bad. Why were they at a strip club? Jean Claude needed to go somewhere to use a computer since the evil computer killed the power wherever they were before. Jean Claude makes a joke about how he knows strip clubs have the Internet. It’s to be inferred throughout the film that Jean Claude is a boob man (first the strip club strippers, then his Asian partner (who is also his sister?), and his new sassy reporter chick all get oogled by the Van Damme).
Somehow the evil computer that is going to take over the world became a black man. The computer guy did this somehow. I’m pretty sure there is a point to be made here about irrational fears people have had over the years. I don’t know if I’m smart enough to make that point though because I watched Universal Soldier 2 and that made me dumb.
This is actually the fourth Universal Soldier movie, but the 2nd and 3rd movies were made for television and deemed “not good enough to be part of the true series.” Those must be two really bad movies then. This movie isn’t even bad enough to enjoy. This movie is just bad. I understand that Jean Claude was hard up for cash because of all the drugs he was taking and sex in gas stations he was having, but come on man! You have an accent! You could have done better than this!
Dolph Lundgren better save the third one, or I’m going to feel really bad about paying a premium to see the fourth one in 3D.
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