Well, thanks to JAY!! and his disappoint about how we didn't become an international phenomenon (hey, is the day the movie comes out too late for it to happen? Couldn't the movie spurn a heightened national interest in reading snappy blog posts about 20+ year old movies?) I missed the opening sequence to Arnold's Commando. But I made it in time to learn this: its a good thing the Gov and The Skeleton of Something That Used To Be A Kennedy never procreated. First, Arnold nearly axes his teenage daughter in half after catching her sneaking up on him in his ax blade. Then he's the father in The Most Awkward Father/Daugher Montage in Cinema History. Now it doesn't help that young Alyssa Milano (here in only her second big screen appearance- well before blossoming in Who's The Boss?) wasn't nearly as cute as mature (but reputedly very short) Alyssa Milano, but most of the blame falls on Arnold for being too big and muscular to be a believeable playful dad.
Here's a fun way to show how much of a badass Arnold is in this particular movie, besides the obligatory opening shot on his rippling, veiny muscles: when some mysterious ne'er-do-wells come to his home and capture his daugher, he tells his military buddy to remember their position is downwind so the intruders can't smell them. Yes, that's right, Arnold knew they were there because he smelled them. He's like the militant version of the Shaggy Dog or something. That's right- Tim Allen reference in the SoA blog!
Do you ever think, "Man is that guy funny looking?" Well, shame on you! I try not to think those kinds of things. But I just can't help it when I see Bill Duke.
Damn is that guy funny looking.
Oh, great. How original. Arnold just recycled "I'll be back". Terminator was great (yeah, I forgot to ever blog about that) but it positively ruined Arnold's career. Remember how good he was in Stay Hungry? (If you don't, go read my post called "Joe Santo Hits the Jackpot" from June. STAY HUNGRY WAS FUCKING GOOD.) Get the muscular guy to play a catchline-spouting robot once and every movie that follows that thinks they have to follow the same formula. Gah. I really hope we get an Arnold's Rippling Muscles Moment in The Expendables though.
Well that was pretty badass. Arnold just killed the bad guy who was supposed to be his escort while fastening his belt on the airplane. Elbow to the face, twist of the neck, and the guy is out for the count, or, well, eternity. Cover him with a hat and blanket and you've just bought 11 hours of freedom. And the chance to throw in a great line: "Do me a favor, don't disturb my friend. He's dead tired."
Here's something that probably works a lot better conceptually than in practice: jumping off the landing gear of an airplane just as it takes off into a swamp. What's the required lift velocity for a plane? I'm glad we've got a rocket scientist on board here at SoA. I have a feeling it wouldn't be easy to hold on to the landing gear, and a second feeling that you wouldn't just hop up from the splashdown.
Holy fuckbeans, its Sam from Quantum Leap's time traveling guide playing the South American bad guy kingpin! He's laying on a sweet spanish accent. JAY!! would love this, especially if Arnold hits a time warp in the next ten minutes.
So the guy stationed at the airport to make sure Arnold doesn't skip the plane gets conveniently distracted trying to pick up a hot babe. He goes so far in his harassment as to follow her to her car. She didn't want anything to do with him at any point. However, when she finally gets to her car and tells him one last time, he decides to get indignant. It's the best use of "Fucking whoore" (spelling intended) I've ever seen.
Oh, and how perfect is this: Arnold then uses the airport hottie to track the baddie stooge. She tells her to track the guy down and tell him she's wild about him. From whoore to passionate concubine, this is just splendid. However, she reports Arnold as a paranoid maniac to the mall cop who's standing guard in the bar the stooge goes into. This means Arnold gets to beat down a herd of mall cops. Glorious. Take that, Paul Blart!
I mean, is there anything more glorious than an action scene in a mall?
True story: One time on my way to work I drove by a Land Rover that was pulled over on Lake Shore Drive. Thirty seconds later, just as I was reaching the 47th Street (my) exit, said Land Rover came speeding past me and got off on the exit. He was followed in very short order by the cop who had pulled him over. This is the closest I've come to being involved in any kind of high speed chase. I don't really want to be running from the law or chasing down a cartel stooge who's boss is threatening to kill my daughter, but just once I'd like to have two souped-up sports cars weaving around me chasing each other down in the name of twisted cinematic justice.
Well Bill Duke just died. That fight series was a huge mess. The best part? Our first cue that he was dead was when the poor cute girl who got caught up in this mess nearly threw up. Only after she chokes it back do we see Ol' Saggy Eyes with a stake through his chest.
Number of cars Arnold has stolen from dead guys at this point: 2. Is nothing sacred? Is it not enough to take a man's life, you have to take his wheels too?
Hey, whaddaya know! Turns out the poor cutie is getting her pilot's license. Comes in handy when we need to know specifics of airplane fuel and the range of 250 gallons of gas. Rather serendipitous, isn't it?
Arnold gets nabbed in the middle of a gun heist with just 5h left til his plane is supposed to arrive. Thankfully the poor cutie follows the paddy wagon they load him in and then BLOWS IT UP WITH A STOLEN ROCKET LAUNCHER (after shooting one rocket the wrong way). That was pretty much awesome. I'm glad this random civilian turned out to be the coolest cute chick alive.
Holy shit, was that just Bill Paxton as the Intercept Officer?! You bet your ass it was. Too bad he can't track the amateur pilot when she gets real close to the ocean. Bill Paxton, you suck. Huh, thats the first time I've said that only jokingly.
OK, not to pull the technicality card, which I usually hate, but we're supposed to believe that an amateur pilot is going to fly at low altitudes and land a sea plane smoothly? But maybe I'm making unfair assumptions. Maybe landing on water is more forgiving and less challenging. Aerospace guy, we need your insight again.
Uh oh. Cheech and Chong have discovered the dead guy on the flight. The race is really on now. Dude from Quantum Leap is PISSSSED!
Arnold promised the cutie she'd know when to transmit his message because all hell would break loose. Looks like it's time to release the message: Arnold is throwing knives into people left and right and we've just tipped to the 'over' on the wager "number of exploded army buildings +/- 2.5".
I'm really looking forward to someone actually being expendable in The Expendables. I hate how we have to pretend that zero of the 400 rounds bad guys shoot in action movies ever hit the protagonist.
AWESOME! After escaping the crossfire of the bad guys who'd trapped him in a little shed by hanging in the rafters, Arnold goes on to literally scalp one guy, throwing-knife another, and slice the arm off of a third like it was an 18-inch section of warm butter. Beautiful action sequence.
Well there's a miracle for you: somehow Arnold appealed to the pudgy white henchman's pride and convinced him to let go of his daughter and have a knife fight with Arnold who's three inches taller and about infinitely more muscled. The henchman got really into how much he didn't need the gun to take Arnold out, so whatever psychological trick Arnie used there, he should be using on the CA state legislature.
I must say, I expected Commando to be a boring letdown. If you can't tell by now, I enjoyed myself immensely. I'm giving it GASM status. The perfect formula for a ridiculous action movie: stupid lines, ridiculous plot interventions, and 90 minutes of no-nonsense action. Boy, that was fun.
I assume you are talking about this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HB1clLGlTkw
How does Youtube have everything, by the way? A jet that size (looks like a DC-10, but I do spaceships, not planes) would have to be going around 200 mph to take off. It would cruise around 550-600 mph but not until it had reached a significant altitude. Terminal velocity for a human laying flat with respect to the freestream is about 120 mph, which means holding on like that, Arnold would have to hold about his own weight at that speed. Drag force increases at the square of the velocity though, so around 220 mph he would have to hold back about four times his body weight. This might have been possible for 80's era Arnold, but certainly not in the casual manner that he was gripping the gear.
As for the swamp fall, he would have hit the ground at a minimum of terminal velocity (again, roughly 120 mph, but for a dense guy like Arnold it would probably be higher). That almost certainly be fatal.
Landing is the hardest thing to do in a plane. Sea planes are harder to land, especially if there are any waves.
YES! I love having a rocket scientist on the SoA.
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