Its been so long

I have so much to catch up on. I've not checked in in quite some time, partially because my SoA intake has slowed to some extent, and partially because writing about ludicrous action movies gets a bit repetitive. Here's a rundown of the fun I've been having without the rest of you:

I watched The 6th Day. This stars Arnold and Terry Crews also makes an appearance. I will take this opportunity to say it's a joke that Terry Crews is a featured name in The Expendables. He is not an action star. You don't even really know who he is. Anyway, I also feel compelled to discuss the scientific veracity of a movie in which cloning is a central topic. Here's what I have to say: there is no biological reason for dots to appear in the eyes of people who have been cloned, but it could probably be arranged. Just like real life working trolls could be arranged. Anything is possible through genetics! I must also mention one of Arnold's greatest one-liners ever is in this movie: "You better hurry and clone yourself again so you can go screw yourself!" or something to that end. Bravo.


I watched Unleashed. I thought it was going to be a great exhibition of how badass Jet Li can be: the premise as I understood it is that he's some sort of mongrel-human who is trained to kill like a feral animal. Here's what the actual premise is: feral Jet Li meets blind Morgan Freeman who uses the beauty of music to domesticate Jet. Needless to say, this movie was not nearly as badass as I was hoping. I did, however, enjoy watching it at 1.4x speed- this would have been a handy utility for getting through Runaway Train.

I watched a lot of Dexter, specifically season 3. So what, you say. It does not star an SoA-approved action hero. Fair point, I say. Conan is probably not impressed with me. However, it does feature David Zayas who plays some kind of role in the Expendables, and revolves around a lot of blood and killing, so I give myself a free pass on this one.

I watched First Blood, finally. Back in college when I was using government loans to buy lots of DVDs, one of my prized hauls was a glorious aluminum-sheathed Rambo Special Edition boxed set. This was great for two reasons: it was aesthetically breathtaking and I'd never seen any of the movies. Well, fast forward to now when I'm finally paying off those ridiculous loans, and I finally got around to watching them since my ququeueueeqeueeque got stuck up waiting to turn over the Dexter disks. Here's what I have to say about First Blood: I did not expect it at all. I though Rambo blew up a bunch of gooks. In First Blood, he blows up a lot of 'mercans and various 'mercan buildings. It was, all the same, pretty good- probably because Sly mostly rollicked around the northwestern wilderness shooting things up and didn't do a lot of talking. I'm looking forward to some gook shootin' though.

(is it not p.c. to say 'gook'? will I be fired from my own blog? i mean no offense to anyone of any kind of eastern descent. i'm just discussing my personal misinformed preconception.)

I watched Balls of Fury. Apparently Terry Crews was in it. To be honest I was pretty in and out of the movie, but I cannot fathom how they got Christopher Walken on board. It wasn't atrocious or anything but just kind of a mess. I'd still like to know how the fat guy ended up in the robo suit hanging on to a suspension bridge at the end- that twist happened somewhere around my fourth glass of wine when I was much more invested in conversation than the movie. Perhaps its best if it just remains a mystery.

Anyway, ITS ONE DAY TO EXPENDABLES DAY, BITCHES! LETS GO BLOW SOME SHIT UP!

Tomorrow I'm hoping to celebrate its arrival with a marathon session of Commando, The Missionary, Rambo/First Blood II, and maybe even Masters of the Universe. Can you believe I haven't watched a single Dolph film during my SoA quest? And he's my favorite Expendable!