Actioned Out. Almost. Almost Actioned Out.

When we started this blog, I had huge, realistic hopes. Here's what I figured: similar to an 80's action hero, this blog would start with meager beginnings--the occasional post, the occasional reference to porn, the occasional picture of Jean Claude in a frighteningly small mankini--but through sheer force of will we'd develop a small but loyal Following. The Following would obviously include all the pretty girls at our high schools. Then a bigger, stronger blog would get so mad at us it'd embarrass us by posting mean comments or something. The pretty girls would walk away from us. We'd be a disgrace. Then Dave, clearly our weakest link, would come out of nowhere with a Judo Chop blog about something awesome. He'd probably put in some pictures too, because that's Dave. Then the Goob would wipe off the sting of his comment slap and write an epic recap of First Blood. People would cheer. We'd regroup. We'd do so much better than the bigger, stronger blog that we'd win back the pretty girls, and the patsies from the other blog would end up being embarrassed in front of their high schools. They'd probably have food and drinks spilled on them. Jerks. The nation would rejoice.

Unfortunately, that did not happen. We did not develop our grass roots following. Also, I ran out of steam. It turns out action movies are good in small doses. Unless Jean Claude is in them. Then they are awesome in all doses but zero. Zero is an unfortunate dose of Jean Claude. I think I last wrote about Scorpion King 2. Since then I've watched two movies, but oh such glorious plans I had:

I watched The Stranger starring Stone Cold Steve Austin. It was bad. I really wanted it to be good, but it was bad. It's one of those movies where the main character has amnesia and because the cadre of movie makers making this movie didn't want us to know anything either, they spliced shot after shot of nonsense in as Stone Cold Steve Austin tried to recover his memories. In case you ever write a story, here's a tip: If you are going to spend an entire movie implying that someone who Stone Cold Steve Austin trusts is really a bad guy, maybe you should introduce more than just two other characters. It doesn't take a rocket scientist (does it Dan?) to realize one of the only two other characters in the movie will be the traitor...and it certainly won't be the useless sexy chick. Or it would be, but she'd feel bad and would have showed her boobs before getting killed. This sexy chick showed no boob. Thus, she was a good. That doesn't make any sense. Anyways, bad movie.

I watched Diamond Dogs starring Dolph Lundgren. I have no idea what happened in this movie. I know Dolph killed some people. I also know they kept cutting to a scene of Asian women dancing. I did not understand this movie at all. I didn't care about anyone in it. It effectively ruined an entire week for me, as I could only watch twenty minutes at a time or my brain would hemorrhage. Brain hemorrhages are bad and tragic. They are worse than Diamond Dogs, but Diamond Dogs is still really bad. 

Initially I'd planned to watch those two movies followed by Jet Li's The One and Jason Statham's In the Name of the King (or something like that). Unfortunately both of those movies are sitting in unopened Netflix envelopes in my basement. They've been there for about three weeks. Whoops. When I get billed in a few days I will have paid $15 to hoard these two movies (both on blu-ray) for a month. Go Me. Go Netflix. Go...wait for it...it's coming...Go America.

That said, while I'm almost actioned out, the actual positive reviews for The Expendables have my excitement level rising. Also, I saw Inception this past week and need a movie to smarten things back up again. Could Inception have been written for anyone stupider? Nope. I'm going Saturday at 4:30. Why am I not going at midnight? One: I live in Iowa and no theater is having a midnight opening of the Expendables. Two: Back in the Eighties it was okay to miss the opening night or the opening week of a movie. By going Saturday I'm paying homage to a bygone era.

I hope you all get your faces exploded off this weekend. With love and care, JAY!!!