Demolition Man is, in a word, fuckingawesomeashell,man. If you haven't seen it... You should.
It is the future. The year: 1996 (the film came out in 1993, so 1996 was the future back then). The city: Los Angeles. America is in chaos. Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a super-duper cop. He plays by his own rules, but GOD DAMMIT, HE GETS RESULTS. Wesley Snipes is Simon Phoenix, ultra-mega villain. He has neon hair.
Stallone attempts to rescue some hostages from Snipes, and in the process, blows up a building. Whoops, the hostages were inside! So both Stallone and Snipes are cryogenically frozen (this technology briefly existed in 1996), because that is what future people do to criminals instead of imprisoning them. Stallone is frozen buck-naked (butt cheeks!).
It is now the more-future. The year is 2032. Snipes was unfrozen by some dumbass for some reason, and because the future is all peaceful and wussified, they have to unthaw Stallone to take him (Snipes) down. "Send a maniac to catch a maniac," Stallone says. Indeed. Sandra Bullock plays Sly's fellow officer, and Denis Leary plays the Hobo-Messiah.
Now, the most interesting part of this movie is its (seriously) awesome vision of the future. Of course, as Nostradamus would tell you if he weren't both insane and dead, predicting the future is a tough racket. As such, some of Demolition Man's predictions are more realistic than others. Here are some of those predictions, and how likely they are to play out in the future.
Things Unlikely to Happen in the Future
The world becoming a safe and peaceful place, and Rob Schneider being gainfully employed. He plays a police desk jockey in the movie. Sorry, Rob. Not gonna happen.
Toilet paper becoming obsolete, replaced by the three seashells method. Seriously, I'm with Sly on this one-- how DO you use the three seashells? (In one of my favorite scenes, Sly swears over and over, and then makes use of the paper fines in lieu of proper toilet paper).
Oldies stations that play only commercials. This might happen, but I can't allow myself to believe it, because then I'd have to kill myself.
Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving Hollywood to become a famous politician. Ha! Outrageous!
Taco Bell winning "the Franchise Wars" to become the only restaurant in existence. Never gonna happen. I still feel that Taco Johns, and the mighty potato ole, will prevail in the end.
Things Likely to Happen in the Future
Tons of shit will blow up. Seriously. This movie rules.
People will go back to wearing loose robe-like things instead of pants. Pants are just too binding, and there's all those difficult zippers to navigate.
People will be fined for swearing.
Wesley Snipes will stab out someone's eye in order to escape from prison.
Everyone will be tracked, at all times, by microchips implanted in the skin. The future will suck.
We will all be able to have sex with Sandra Bullock by placing a reverse Virtual Boy on our head.
Sylvester Stallone and Denis Leary will share a ratburger.
Something so Awesome I Wish It Would Happen in the Future
Remember the scene where Sylvester Stallone crashes his car, and then it turns to foam, which is weird, but then it turns out that the foam is a futuristic and entirely kick ass replacement for air bags? Yeah, I remember it too. That was sweet.
Verdict: This movie rocks hard. Stallone is in full-on action star mode and at his 1990s peak (Cliffhanger came out the same year, so let's be honest, 1993 was Stallone's only 1990s peak). Wesley Snipes plays the bad guy like the Joker from the Adam West Batman, only he gets to murder lots and lots of people. Sandra Bullock is Speed-era adorable, and adorably screws up 1990s lingo ("You really licked his ass!").
The action is well choreographed and memborable, including one particularly awesome fight scene in a museum. The script is hilarious, what with Stallone's constant swearing and the "man out of time" jokes. Watch it. Cherish it.
People in Los Angeles have no idea what Taco Johns exists. They only know of the Taco Bell and nothing of the mighty potato ole. It's disheartening and sad.
ReplyDeleteWhen you try to explain it to them, they think you are pulling their leg. My next trip back home requires photographic evidence.
Viceroy, you should probably mail a bunch of it via USPS to the non-believers. They'll understand the majesty when cold, mushed-up potato oles arrive at their fancy-pants Hollywood doorstep!
ReplyDeleteThat would not be the first time I've sent food through the mail. One time my side of vegetables at dinner had peas in them (I don't like peas). So I placed them in an envelope and sent them to JAY!!! because he does like peas.
ReplyDeleteJAY!! please verify your receipt of the Viceroy's perishable transmission. And comment on how they tasted when you received them.
ReplyDeleteViceroy is a dirty liar. He's never sent me nothing. Now he's contractually obligated to send me a can of peas even though canned peas suck compared to frozen peas. They are also not as satisfactory a green.
ReplyDeleteDisagree. He should send you peas that he picks out of his Panda Express fried rice. Then they'd be smushed and dessicated when they got to you, as opposed to a can of peas which would still be a can of peas. A can of peas would survive a nuclear blast, unless it was at the exact focal point of said blast.
ReplyDelete