Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer's Day? -OR- Statham v. Stallone

When I first saw the cast listing for the Expendables, my first thought (other than Oscar bait!) was Jason Statham? Wha tha fuh? I was aware of him from Snatch and from the Italian Job, but somehow I had missed each and every one of his (I'm sure) adrenalin pumping, action-esque epics. So, long story short, I rented Crank, because it was a much dumber title for a movie than "Transporter," though I'll admit both are pretty dumb. Here's how Crank performed in the five most important action movie categories. For grading purposes, three Stathams equals one Stallone.

1. Ridiculous Premise. Oh my, yes. Statham plays an unlikable ass that is (probably justifiably) poisoned before the first scene of the movie. The poison will kill him unless he keeps his adrenalin up, so he's forced to snort coke, chug Red Bull, and instigate one senseless action scene after another to keep from dying. In a sense, it is a fairly genius premise in that it justifies the lack of rationale behind every scene in the movie. In a more real sense, however, it is just lazy screen writing.

Other plot notes of interest: Statham's character appears to have a job that involves him killing people. He was poisoned because he angered the wrong people after an assassination. I know this because it is mentioned in passing. Also, possibly due to his job, he has contacts that he calls with a cellular telephone. I know this because I saw him call them. I know nothing about any of these characters, except that one is a gay caricature and another seems to like coffee. He was drinking some when Statham called him.
The premise itself (not the execution) gets 3 Stallones.
2. Earnest over-acting. Sadly, no. Statham is trying very hard, but he's so wooden I don't think there would be a difference if he weren't. Amy Smart plays The Girl and gives a memorably bad performance, but her character is so poorly written I just feel bad for her. Her most memborable scene, no fooling, is when Statham publicly rapes her in Chinatown. She gets into it toward the end, proving, I guess, that "no" really does mean "yes." 2 Stathams.
3. Ka-blooey! Statham violently attacks, in order, a television, some cocaine, several African Americans that meant him no harm, a shopping mall (which includes a pretty sweet sequence wherein he drives his car onto an escalator), and an innocent gas station clerk. This is all before the 18 minute mark. However, while there is consistent action throughout the movie, there is no awesome, defining moment to point to. 2 Stallones and a Statham.
4. Ka-boobie (breasts!) Two naked women at about the 6:00 minute mark and more about 18 minutes in. And hey, ladies-- Statham's butt cheeks also make an appearance or two. There is a brief flash of what might be one of Amy Smart's boobs but is probably a stand in boobie, and in any case it appears during the scene Statham rapes her so it is kind of hard to enjoy. 2 Stallones and a Statham, one Statham for each boob.
5. Cheesy one liners. It is fucking astounding that a movie this poorly written failed to deliver a single awesomely terrible one liner. This movie scores a zero. A zero what? Zero everything.
So does Crank deserved to be placed among the action classics of the past? No. The movie does provide some dumb fun, but really... No. First of all, it appears to have been directed by several retarded schizophrenics. Second, the screenwriters' idea of a joke is to have Statham throw a cabbie on the ground, point at him, and say "Al Qaeda." The cabbie was then beaten by several bloodthirsty, upper middle class white people.
Rambo, on the other hand, had all this:

Sorry Statham. Better luck next time.