Conan the Barbarian – The Director's Commentary Commentary

I’m a little late to the summer of action party, but I thought I would kick things off properly with a running commentary of the director’s commentary of Conan the Barbarian.

If you are unfamiliar with Conan the Barbarian you really should go watch it. It’s a legitimately good film and is considered to be the acting breakthrough of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s also got a creepy looking James Earl Jones in it and a lot of boobs and violence. I’d recommend never watching the sequel (which is on the other side of my Conan disc) as it is terrible.

Directing this film is John Milius, whom I hadn’t heard of before but after reading up on him sounds like a badass and a bit of a nut. From his bio:

Milius coined the famous "Charlie don't surf" and "I love the smell of napalm in the morning" lines from Apocalypse Now. He is also responsible for the famous USS Indianapolis scene in the movie Jaws and the famous Dirty Harry one-liners delivered by Clint Eastwood, including "Go ahead, punk, make my day" and "Do you feel lucky?"

Milius was also instrumental during the startup of the UFC (Ultimate Fighting Championship) organization: it was his idea to use the octagon-shaped cage, and his association with UFC helped provide interest and investors to the startup UFC.

He is also involved in a military think tank, the Institute for Creative Technologies, as a consultant.

Milius is a member of the Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association, is an avid firearms collector and authority on firearms, and is a vocal opponent of gun control legislation. Milius, a very popular personality among gun hobbyists, can be routinely seen visiting local gun shops and shooting and socializing with the public at target ranges near his residence in Southern California when not at remote movie locations.

The character Walter Sobchak in the film The Big Lebowski, made by his friends the Coen Brothers, was based on Milius.

The commentary on this film includes both the director and Arnold. It’s really surreal to listen to. It was clearly a very personal film for the director, and he often talked about the meaning behind scenes and generally explains things to the audience pretty well. It’s clear he remembers making the film.

Arnold, on the other hand, spends most of the commentary interrupting Milius about something that is happening on screen that excites him. At times he seems surprised by what is going on, and when the director is explaining something clearly for the benefit of the audience, Arnold thinks he is talking to him and responds with I KNOW.

(All of Arnold’s spoken treasures in the rest of the post are given in ALL CAPS because that is how he talks. I put what the director says in quotes. Quotes from both of them are as accurate as I could make them as this was done in realtime.)

I’m now going to begin my running commentary of the commentary. It’s really long, but honestly, I was struggling to keep up with all the absurd things being said. Typing this while trying to watch and listen reminded me a lot of doing flash cards in elementary school, where I could not say the answer fast enough and I ended up crying. This was an exhausting experience.

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Alright, so the DVD gives you the option of which film (Barbarian or Destroyer) you would like to watch on a menu screen, even though the movies are on different sides of the DVD, and selecting the wrong one just results in a screen that tells you to flip the disc. Odd.

Feature commentary with director John Milius and Actor Arnold Schwarzenegger engaged!

Holy shit, this is already amazing. The movie opens with a quote from Nietzsche, “that which does not kill us makes us stronger.” What is the commentary doing? Well, the director comes on and does an Arnold impersonation, and Arnold tries to do an impersonation of the director. Arnold then laughs, and says AHND IF YOU BELIEVE THAT, YOU ALSO BELIEVE THERE AHRE RICHARD SIMMONS JUNIORS RUNNING AHROUND HAH HAH HAH I LOVE IT. A gay joke! Slightly uncomfortable laugh from director.

About one of the names in the credits, BLESS HIS HART HE IS 80 YEARS OLD NOW

I CAHN’T BELIEVE I GOT CREDIT OVER JAMES EARL JONES.

Arnold was apparently supposed to do the voiceover at the beginning, but the studio wouldn’t let him because of his accent.

Arnold claims the character is about steel. Director kind of humors him. It was originally supposed to be a trilogy. Arnold says they should do the other two, forgetting that he was in the second one.

The Anvil of Crom is playing in the background. It’s very tough song. The whole soundtrack is brilliant, actually. According to Wikipedia, “The score for Conan the Barbarian is considered by some people to be one of the finest examples of motion picture scoring ever written.” I am one of those people. I once cut a trailer to my friend’s movie to Anvil of Crom

IT’S AH GREAT TITLE SEQUENCE.

In the village: THAT’S ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

Conan’s father was apparently a famous bodybuilder who spoke 17 different languages and worked for the CIA.

DOES THE KID WEAR LIPSTICK OR WHAT IS THAT?
“No, it’s just a kid.” OH FUNNY.

Director is saying the lines over the characters like I do with Star Wars sometimes.

Armored rottweilers!

Conan’s village (and the whole movie) was filmed in Spain.

“We made it violent to have impact.”

“What a way to go, eaten by armored rotwielers.” I KNOW.

LOOK AHT THAT, THAT IS SUCH AH WILD SCENE THE WHOLE PLACE IS BURNING DOWN.

They are about to kill Conan’s mother now. The director says “you would thing they would spare here because she is so beautiful. Arnold just made some kind of masturbation joke about this but it’s hard to understand. Not even 15 minutes in I shit you not. They don’t even remember this actress’s name and comment on that fact.

James Earl Jones has a terrible haircut. He is also “above beauty, grace, and lust.”

Arnold is really excited about the hypnosis scene here. The director is getting deep talking about ancient races.

Arnold is really curious about the logistics of the wheel of pain he is strapped to here.

LOOK AHT THE HORSES WITH THE SHORT NECKS.

First pit fight. I’M GOING TO BREAK HIS ARM. I AHM POUNDING AHND BREAKING HIS HEAD.

Director is trying to explain Conan’s character growth and motivations. Arnold interrupts AH LOOK AHT THAT AX! Director just continues.

Apparently they had a scene where Arnold cut off a woman’s head here after the pit fight montage.

HAH HAH HAH I FORGHOT ABOUT THAT HE WHAS LAUGHING BUT NOT FOR LONG.

Boobs! Apparently the actress playing the woman given to Conan in this scene was actually genuinely scared and had no idea what was going on. Arnold would never talk to her on the set. Both Arnold and the director do not explain this further and it’s really creepy.

Mongol General: Hao! Dai ye! We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?

Mongol: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.

Mongol General: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?

Conan: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.

Mongol General: That is good! That is good.

“After he says that, you say you want to be like him.”

Conan falls into some ruins. The director is explaining some backstory, the ruins are apparently Atlantean. A skull appears onscreen and Arnold interrupts with AH AH THE SKULL! THE DEAD PEOPLE! IT’S MOVING. (it isn’t yet but he’s excited).

Conan finds a sword in the ruins. NOW I AHM CLEANING OFF THE DIRT. THE JOY OF HAVING MY OWN SWORD AS A PROTECTION AND AH KILLING DEVICE.

Awkward seduction scene involving the wolf witch. Arnold pumps her for information. Whoa, demon witch! Arnold throws her in the fire, and she turns into a screaming ball of flame. The director claims Arnold doesn’t always have this effect on women.

Arnold meets the first member of his posse, a thief and archer named Subotai (who is a real life world champion surfer).

A theological debate about Crom and the god of the sky ensues. AH THAT IS FUNNY.

In a town now. ISN’T THIS WHERE I SEE THE CAMEL? Yes Arnold.

“Look at that, god knows what they are doing to llama.”

I REMEMBER SHOOTING SOME SCENES VERY WELL.

It sounds like the director may be eating something right now.

Third member of posse, Valeria. “She’s not like a typical woman, because she can kill everyone.”

“The temple is like the local part of the cult” where ORGIES TAKE PLACE.

No orgies really though, at least on screen.

WHAT MAKES IT BALIEVABLE IS THAT IT LOOKS REAL.

They are sacrificing a naked woman. “A terrible waste to throw her over.” I WOULD SAY.

Director is pretty proud of the giant snake fight here. To be fair it is pretty badass.

The director is as excited I have heard him. I think he may have finished eating.

AH HERE IS THE SEDUCTION. EVEN IN PREHISTORIC TIMES WOMEN LOVE JEWELRY. Conan lays her down, more boobs. The director says it’s in a Mongolian yurt, but Arnold apparently doesn’t hear him because he later asks where they are.

I WAS GETTING LAID AH LOT IN THIS MOVIE IT WAS AMAZING. FROM THE WOLF WITCH TO THE PRINCESSES AND QUEEN OF THEVES.

“Not a bad life for Conan, huh?”

[MUMBLE] TOTALLY SWEATING AND OILED UP, THIS WAS PRETTY TASTEFULLY DONE, IT DOESN’T REALLY SHOW ANYTING.

THERE IS A CHICKEN IN THE MOUTH THERE REMEMBER YOU WERE SAYING THIS AHLL HAS TO LOOK AH LITTLE PRIMITIVE.

Director is talking about character development again.

THIS IS A SCENE WERE WE GET REALLY DRUNK. IT’S LIKE AN ALKA-SELTZER COMMERCIAL.

I am not sure what they are talking about now.

Jesus, I’m not even an hour into this.

Arnold is talking about how he was inspired as an actor by this king character he is talking to now.

“Sandahl is a valkyrie.” WHERE IS SHE NOW. “I saw her recently she looks great. She’s a valkyrie.”

A tender moment between Conan and Valeria. THIS IS WHERE CONAN GETS SOFT. HE IS LISTENING TO WOMEN PROBLEMS AHND NOT FIGHTING IN A PIT.

Arnold is questioning the director’s camera angle.

THE CANDLE IS OUT. SHE IS THINKING I AHM STILL THERE BUT I AHM GONE. SHE IS FREAKING OUT.

IT’S A VERY EMOTIONAL SCENE SHE IS CRYING AND ALL THAT.

Conan is off on his own now to get James Earl Jones. Director compares snake cultists to hippies.

LOOK AT THOSE CREATURES, THAT’S FUNNY.

Arnold meets the narrator now, a bald wizened Asian man. Arnold wanted to do the narration but the studio would not let him.

The snake cult people actually do seem like hippies. I never noticed this.

Conan gay seduces a snake priest with his muscles. The director thinks this scene is homophobic.

Walking up to the temple now. Here comes James Earl Jones. They immediately found Conan out and he starts getting beat down. Director is talking about the meaning of snakes. Arnold of course interrupts him with something.

The herpetologist handling all these motherfucking snakes apparently had a bunch of attractive women working for him. The director mentions this several times (enough to be creepy) and seems jealous.

Conan bites a buzzard on the neck to kill it while he is being crucified on the Tree of Woe. Director: “this is the essence of Conan.”

Posse is back. The narrator is going to try to revive a sunburned Conan.

THERE IS THE GHOSTS, YOU SEE THAT. WHAT DO YOU CALL THOSE? “Demons.”

I think they are getting a bit tired of talking. Arnold is talking about Conan’s motivation.

Sneaking into the back door of the cult now. It is revealed that the cult members are cannibals. I BET IT IS SMELLING IN THERE.

OH THIS IS WHERE THE ORGY TAKES PLACE. Arnold knows a thing or two about orgies.

I SEE THEM BANGING AND MY EYES OPEN WIDE.

LOOK AHT THE MASSAGING GOING ON THERE.

James Earl Jones starts to morph into a snake. LOOK AT THIS WHEN HE BECOMES A SNAKE.

SHES IN ECSTACY SHE IS ON DRUGS.

Lots of ass kicking at the orgy now. This is the essence of The Summer of Action. Director: “The blood is not overdone here.”

Anvil of Crom is blaring now, even over the commentary. Fucking awesome.

They are talking about how Conan’s woman hurt a lot of people in the fighting scenes. THE WORST WAS GRACE JONES IN CONAN 2, SHE DAMAGED A LOT OF PEOPLE IN THAT MOVIE. She damaged me too, Arnold. Grace Jones is just gross, and I don’t understand why the eighties felt like they had to include her in a lot of movies.

Snake arrow! Director: “it’s a sidewinder missle!”

SHE GOING TO DIE NOW. LAST TIME I SEE HER, LAST KISS.

Arnold points out a big plot hole to the director and asks why they can’t bring her back with the same magic they brought sunburned Conan back with. Director is momentarily stumped but comes up with some bullshit.

Director is talking about how “Conan is always thinking” and “you never see in movies the heroes questioning themselves”. Except in nearly every movie ever.

“There is the spirit of Conan – if the gods are not going to help tell them to stay out of the way!” EXACTLY.

Directors favorite Conan quote:

“Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, or why we died. All that matters is that two stood against many. That's what's important! Valor pleases you, Crom... so grant me one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to HELL with you!”

Lots of ass kicking again.

Apparently stunt horses are a thing.

Showdown over. A lot of sword symbolism.

The director is defending his use of violence. THIS IS SO WELL WRITTEN.

Snake cult is based on Jim Jones, apparently. Huh. The hippies thing makes even more sense.

NOW I GET HYPNOTIZED, SEE I AHM LOOKING DOWN. AHND THEN I CATCH MYSELF AHND I DON’T LET HIM KNOW THAT I HAVE MY ACT TOGETHER CAUSE THE NEXT THING I DO IS I KILL HIM.

Decapatation! The ritual taking of the head and the showing of the head.

“Conan is an intellectual and a man of deep philosophies.”

Credits roll. Originally intended as a trilogy? Arnold really liked the movie and wants to do a third one. Director literally jumps at chance.

HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!