!!!

You're goddamn right we did

The Viceroy is so badass

Wish I'd worn black

Day 0 Marathon: Part II

Herein lies the second installment of my SoA-day marathon. If Viceroy would get back to me already I'd buy my ticket and guarantee that I was going to see the action sensation of the decade at midnight tonight, but at this rate it might be sold out (or I might be passed out) by the time I hear from him. Anyhow, in this edition I do a semi-liveblog/stream of consciousness thing as I watch Commando.

Well, thanks to JAY!! and his disappoint about how we didn't become an international phenomenon (hey, is the day the movie comes out too late for it to happen? Couldn't the movie spurn a heightened national interest in reading snappy blog posts about 20+ year old movies?) I missed the opening sequence to Arnold's Commando. But I made it in time to learn this: its a good thing the Gov and The Skeleton of Something That Used To Be A Kennedy never procreated. First, Arnold nearly axes his teenage daughter in half after catching her sneaking up on him in his ax blade. Then he's the father in The Most Awkward Father/Daugher Montage in Cinema History. Now it doesn't help that young Alyssa Milano (here in only her second big screen appearance- well before blossoming in Who's The Boss?) wasn't nearly as cute as mature (but reputedly very short) Alyssa Milano, but most of the blame falls on Arnold for being too big and muscular to be a believeable playful dad.

Its been so long

I have so much to catch up on. I've not checked in in quite some time, partially because my SoA intake has slowed to some extent, and partially because writing about ludicrous action movies gets a bit repetitive. Here's a rundown of the fun I've been having without the rest of you:

I watched The 6th Day. This stars Arnold and Terry Crews also makes an appearance. I will take this opportunity to say it's a joke that Terry Crews is a featured name in The Expendables. He is not an action star. You don't even really know who he is. Anyway, I also feel compelled to discuss the scientific veracity of a movie in which cloning is a central topic. Here's what I have to say: there is no biological reason for dots to appear in the eyes of people who have been cloned, but it could probably be arranged. Just like real life working trolls could be arranged. Anything is possible through genetics! I must also mention one of Arnold's greatest one-liners ever is in this movie: "You better hurry and clone yourself again so you can go screw yourself!" or something to that end. Bravo.

Conan the Barbarian – The Director's Commentary Commentary

I’m a little late to the summer of action party, but I thought I would kick things off properly with a running commentary of the director’s commentary of Conan the Barbarian.

If you are unfamiliar with Conan the Barbarian you really should go watch it. It’s a legitimately good film and is considered to be the acting breakthrough of Arnold Schwarzenegger. It’s also got a creepy looking James Earl Jones in it and a lot of boobs and violence. I’d recommend never watching the sequel (which is on the other side of my Conan disc) as it is terrible.

Joe Santo Hits the Jackpot

This two month-ish movie quest began as I got inordinately excited about it while engaged in a typical stream of consciousness email to JAY!!. As will be revealed in some short order, we econverse pretty much on the daily. Hooray technology! The summer of action was spawned out of a number of factors:

• The Expendables is coming out, which is awesome. I don't know how the movie is going to be, but just that it's coming out, that's awesome right there.
• Since I moved 2000 miles from the Exquisite Brigitte and my fat and becoming-fat cats, I have a considerable amount of free time. During my nightly free time I watch a lot of movies. After six months of watching a lot of movies I was starting to get to a pretty weird place in my quqeueueeeueueue where I was watching a lot, I mean, A LOT of foreign movies. So I was open to suggestions, shall we say.
• I thought it would be fun to collectively produce some form of entertainment with my fellow contributors, as we are downright hilarious any time we're together. However, aside from Jay and Joe, none of us technically live in the same city. (Yes, Jay and Dream Joe, you win the proximity contest. The Viceroy and I are a mere 5.9 miles from each other, but in are governed by different local agencies.) So the web, and a loose theme, seem a good place to start a collaboration.
• I was really excited to watch a bunch of classics that I shamefully hadn't seen, to make fun of Sly's awful acting, Arnold's terrible accent, and the lame plots of Jason Statham movies, and I was excited to see a lot of people get kicked in the face and have stuff gloriously blown up.
• And as I built my SoA ququeueueuwueuuwwue, I was tickled every time I added an early-career movie by Sly or Arnold. I like quality films, but as evidenced by my crush on Best of the Best 2, I'm 100% game for camp as well.

I have no idea where the Viceroy gets this "Son of Hercules" business, as from my trusty interweb sources Arnold's first credited role is "Hercules in New York." I saw part of this movie in college. It included the line "Hey, stop that chariot!" being yelled in the middle of New York. It was spectacular. However, due to his thick accent, Arnold's voice was dubbed right out of the film. The first Arnold movie available on netflix was "Stay Hungry". So under the guise of my last bullet point, I was elated to add it to my queueeeueueueue, and aside from some mid-week work fatigue and the after effects of laboriously recapping "The Fist of the North Star", delighted to receive it and throw it in my video disc spinner.

PREDATOR 2010

What would happen if the loaded cast of the original Predator were to get back together today, knowing what they know? In what direction would the all-star, power-packed cast lead a sequel if it hadn't been handed to Danny Glover, Gary Busey, and Bill Paxton? How would they govern the downfall of the wicked-mouthed alien/reptile thing if it hadn't been spun off into a weird nostalgia-grab/FX orgy co-starring those scoop-headed Aliens?

Arnold: As the governor of America's most populous state, I hearby declare dat in Predata 2010 zere vil be seven times the asplosions and ve will hunt down seven of dose ugly motherfuckers! Ve vill flip da script of the original. I wanted to vork only with my team in zat one- in dis one we will have teams from all over ze world. A team from Mexico to cut off all ze tree branches so when he wears dat invisible suit it won't be zo trippy to see! A team of da Japs who vil be well educated by a state education system dat is bleeding money like za stuck goats in Austria!