A horror-ble mess

Here's the thing about introducing Danny Trejo to the post-modern Summer of Action: despite being indisputably awesome, he's pretty much only been used as a character actor. Something about not a lot of leading parts for a burly, craggy-faced Mexican who has been in not one, not two, but, yes, three different prisons. So perusing the netflix inventory for Trejo movies is kind of a frustrating experience: it's not Gary Daniels or Eric Roberts where you find a lot of stuff that looks perfectly terrible and is likely direct-to-video but where at least Gary is one of the two 'stars' of the film. And its certainly not like pretty much any of the other Expendables where you clearly know the movies they're in and their faces are slathered all over the posters.

However, in Nightstalker, I thought I'd found one. Here's the cover:

Whoa. Creepy looking mexican dude is half of the cover. In the little 2000 px preview on netflix, I figured that was DT, and that I would get to watch a movie where big, scary Danny Trejo plays a crazy serial killer with some mysterious pale skinhead side. Or maybe he'd be a cop who hunts down a skinhead killer.

Well, the second option was clearly wrong: the movie is described as being about Agent Martinez (played by Roselyn Sanchez who a) is rather attractive and b) you might recognize from Without a Trace, not that I do but I knew her face from somewhere), an LAPD cop on the tail of a dangerous serial killer who 'girds herself when she learns the killer is coming after her' or something like that... bottom line is that the netflix summary actually used the word "gird" so that was fun.

It took only a moment to see that the first option was also wrong: early in the movie we learn that DT is Martinez' partner. Bummer. He does get to be a great 80s cop: he's of Mexican heritage and from LA so he's blatantly racist, just like the city was back then (now its just overtly so). Also, he gets to do coke. Go Danny.

So here's how the movie goes: it sucks. The killer is some kind of schizophrenic. You see that pasty, toothy freak in the right half of the poster? Well, thats the guy who makes our antagonist want to kill. Are the murders grisly? Are the images disturbing? Is there a dark subtext to everything that's being depicted? Nope. Does this crummy director go to the stupid lazy horror tradition of going to jumpy images and rapid, awkward, screechy transitions to 'elevate tension', causing the viewer to have no idea what the hell is going on and also making a short, marginally climactic scene supposedly very scary and dramatic? Yup. Does this ruin what is otherwise a perfectly good 'chick on the case kind of as an affirmative action thing chases down the killer and shows the white and black guy what's what' story? Well, if that story was any good I'd say yes.

Well, no greatness here. But it was fun to see DT snort some coke off his hand and wonder if maybe, just maybe, it actually was coke...

It Won't Stop

I was worried about seeing The Expendables. I was worried because it meant that the Summer of Action would be over. I was worried because it meant I'd have to reorder my queueueueueueuequeueueue and choose from amongst the 300 things in it that I kind of sort of want to see- with the Summer of Action my choices were drastically reduced. They had to star an Expendable. And hopefully be awesome.

Anyway, I was worried. Then, just before the glorious feature began playing (oh man it was fucking glorious), this happened:

(also, the trailer for Devil happened and JAY!! is right, it looks terrible. The audience scoffed when "FROM THE MIND OF M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN" came up. Audibly scoffed. Not good.)

So, in honor of Danny Trejo, THE SUMMER OF ACTION LIVES ON until Labor Day weekend for this muchacho. I knew I'd regret leaving Con Air in Chicago...

!!!

You're goddamn right we did

The Viceroy is so badass

Wish I'd worn black

Day 0 Marathon: Part II

Herein lies the second installment of my SoA-day marathon. If Viceroy would get back to me already I'd buy my ticket and guarantee that I was going to see the action sensation of the decade at midnight tonight, but at this rate it might be sold out (or I might be passed out) by the time I hear from him. Anyhow, in this edition I do a semi-liveblog/stream of consciousness thing as I watch Commando.

Well, thanks to JAY!! and his disappoint about how we didn't become an international phenomenon (hey, is the day the movie comes out too late for it to happen? Couldn't the movie spurn a heightened national interest in reading snappy blog posts about 20+ year old movies?) I missed the opening sequence to Arnold's Commando. But I made it in time to learn this: its a good thing the Gov and The Skeleton of Something That Used To Be A Kennedy never procreated. First, Arnold nearly axes his teenage daughter in half after catching her sneaking up on him in his ax blade. Then he's the father in The Most Awkward Father/Daugher Montage in Cinema History. Now it doesn't help that young Alyssa Milano (here in only her second big screen appearance- well before blossoming in Who's The Boss?) wasn't nearly as cute as mature (but reputedly very short) Alyssa Milano, but most of the blame falls on Arnold for being too big and muscular to be a believeable playful dad.

Actioned Out. Almost. Almost Actioned Out.

When we started this blog, I had huge, realistic hopes. Here's what I figured: similar to an 80's action hero, this blog would start with meager beginnings--the occasional post, the occasional reference to porn, the occasional picture of Jean Claude in a frighteningly small mankini--but through sheer force of will we'd develop a small but loyal Following. The Following would obviously include all the pretty girls at our high schools. Then a bigger, stronger blog would get so mad at us it'd embarrass us by posting mean comments or something. The pretty girls would walk away from us. We'd be a disgrace. Then Dave, clearly our weakest link, would come out of nowhere with a Judo Chop blog about something awesome. He'd probably put in some pictures too, because that's Dave. Then the Goob would wipe off the sting of his comment slap and write an epic recap of First Blood. People would cheer. We'd regroup. We'd do so much better than the bigger, stronger blog that we'd win back the pretty girls, and the patsies from the other blog would end up being embarrassed in front of their high schools. They'd probably have food and drinks spilled on them. Jerks. The nation would rejoice.

Unfortunately, that did not happen. We did not develop our grass roots following. Also, I ran out of steam. It turns out action movies are good in small doses. Unless Jean Claude is in them. Then they are awesome in all doses but zero. Zero is an unfortunate dose of Jean Claude. I think I last wrote about Scorpion King 2. Since then I've watched two movies, but oh such glorious plans I had:

Day 0 Marathon: Part I

I'm following last night's post and doing one last SoA mega-marathon in anticipation of probably going to the big flick at midnight tonight. This first entry captures my experiences with The Specialist, my first top on the August Adrenaline Tour de Force. Expect me to get a little more out of focus and jaded as the evening goes along.

I love pre-dated opening scenes to movies. They're the perfect way to say "watch out for these two, they have a history together" or "something might happen with the character involved in this scene" or, in the case of A Simple Man, "here's a story that's pretty much entirely unrelated to the rest of this very fine movie." The opening scene of The Specialist features Sly and James Woods as Army dudes who rig a bridge in Bogota to explode, thereby killing some manner of political target. Problem is, the target is driving with an innocent child- so Sly, the munitions specialist, wants to abort the mission. James Woods pulls rank though, so the best Sly can do is hope to diffuse the bombs in time. Of course this doesn't work, so Sly ends up getting exploded off a dam into some water.

Suddenly its roughly ten years later and Sly is holding up a creepy, moderately seductive relationship with a woman who, as a girl, watched her parents killed by Miami crime bosses (one of whom is Eric Roberts!). He uses the latest technology (a fancy pager which connects to the 'Weekend Warrior' BBS, minidiscs recordings of all their conversations, a bizarrely sophisticated intruder home alarm system) to carry out a distant relationship with this woman, played by Sharon Stone. Well, its distant for her but somehow he manages to basically follow her 24/7 while listening to the minidiscs to provide the backdrop of the story.

Here's whats great about the rest of the movie: Sly gets involved, and since he's an explosives expert, a lot of shit gets blown up. Here's something else that's great: Sharon Stone had pretty much no sense of personal boundaries back then, so much like in Basic Instinct she gives a glimpse of the shapely goods in The Specialist.

Here's something that's perfectly expected about the movie: Sly and James Woods (with SS in the middle) play a lot of double crosses on each other while trying to kill the other guy. But it all happens in sunny, sexy Miami so I won't complain too loudly.

Since the entire nation is finally catching Expendables fever, Bill Simmons discussed Sly at some length in a podcast earlier this week. He said he wasn't a big fan of The Specialist. As far as dumb action movies go, I disagree. This was a pretty classic edition of Sly being a bad ass and throwing around some lame dialogue. Also, I love it when James Woods gets snarky.

Its been so long

I have so much to catch up on. I've not checked in in quite some time, partially because my SoA intake has slowed to some extent, and partially because writing about ludicrous action movies gets a bit repetitive. Here's a rundown of the fun I've been having without the rest of you:

I watched The 6th Day. This stars Arnold and Terry Crews also makes an appearance. I will take this opportunity to say it's a joke that Terry Crews is a featured name in The Expendables. He is not an action star. You don't even really know who he is. Anyway, I also feel compelled to discuss the scientific veracity of a movie in which cloning is a central topic. Here's what I have to say: there is no biological reason for dots to appear in the eyes of people who have been cloned, but it could probably be arranged. Just like real life working trolls could be arranged. Anything is possible through genetics! I must also mention one of Arnold's greatest one-liners ever is in this movie: "You better hurry and clone yourself again so you can go screw yourself!" or something to that end. Bravo.

Visiting Chinese PM Presents Obama With 'The Expendables' On DVD

Via The Onion

They Are Promoting The Expendables Exactly as They Should.

Finally... Greatness!

Demolition Man is, in a word, fuckingawesomeashell,man. If you haven't seen it... You should.

It is the future. The year: 1996 (the film came out in 1993, so 1996 was the future back then). The city: Los Angeles. America is in chaos. Sylvester Stallone is John Spartan, a super-duper cop. He plays by his own rules, but GOD DAMMIT, HE GETS RESULTS. Wesley Snipes is Simon Phoenix, ultra-mega villain. He has neon hair.

Stallone attempts to rescue some hostages from Snipes, and in the process, blows up a building. Whoops, the hostages were inside! So both Stallone and Snipes are cryogenically frozen (this technology briefly existed in 1996), because that is what future people do to criminals instead of imprisoning them. Stallone is frozen buck-naked (butt cheeks!).

It is now the more-future. The year is 2032. Snipes was unfrozen by some dumbass for some reason, and because the future is all peaceful and wussified, they have to unthaw Stallone to take him (Snipes) down. "Send a maniac to catch a maniac," Stallone says. Indeed. Sandra Bullock plays Sly's fellow officer, and Denis Leary plays the Hobo-Messiah.

Now, the most interesting part of this movie is its (seriously) awesome vision of the future. Of course, as Nostradamus would tell you if he weren't both insane and dead, predicting the future is a tough racket. As such, some of Demolition Man's predictions are more realistic than others. Here are some of those predictions, and how likely they are to play out in the future.

Things Unlikely to Happen in the Future
The world becoming a safe and peaceful place, and Rob Schneider being gainfully employed. He plays a police desk jockey in the movie. Sorry, Rob. Not gonna happen.

Toilet paper becoming obsolete, replaced by the three seashells method. Seriously, I'm with Sly on this one-- how DO you use the three seashells? (In one of my favorite scenes, Sly swears over and over, and then makes use of the paper fines in lieu of proper toilet paper).

Oldies stations that play only commercials. This might happen, but I can't allow myself to believe it, because then I'd have to kill myself.

Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving Hollywood to become a famous politician. Ha! Outrageous!

Taco Bell winning "the Franchise Wars" to become the only restaurant in existence. Never gonna happen. I still feel that Taco Johns, and the mighty potato ole, will prevail in the end.

Things Likely to Happen in the Future
Tons of shit will blow up. Seriously. This movie rules.

People will go back to wearing loose robe-like things instead of pants. Pants are just too binding, and there's all those difficult zippers to navigate.

People will be fined for swearing.

Wesley Snipes will stab out someone's eye in order to escape from prison.

Everyone will be tracked, at all times, by microchips implanted in the skin. The future will suck.

We will all be able to have sex with Sandra Bullock by placing a reverse Virtual Boy on our head.

Sylvester Stallone and Denis Leary will share a ratburger.

Something so Awesome I Wish It Would Happen in the Future
Remember the scene where Sylvester Stallone crashes his car, and then it turns to foam, which is weird, but then it turns out that the foam is a futuristic and entirely kick ass replacement for air bags? Yeah, I remember it too. That was sweet.

Verdict: This movie rocks hard. Stallone is in full-on action star mode and at his 1990s peak (Cliffhanger came out the same year, so let's be honest, 1993 was Stallone's only 1990s peak). Wesley Snipes plays the bad guy like the Joker from the Adam West Batman, only he gets to murder lots and lots of people. Sandra Bullock is Speed-era adorable, and adorably screws up 1990s lingo ("You really licked his ass!").

The action is well choreographed and memborable, including one particularly awesome fight scene in a museum. The script is hilarious, what with Stallone's constant swearing and the "man out of time" jokes. Watch it. Cherish it.